Phone call from my sister this morning
some miscommunication between her and my brother
anger and hurt
talked or should I say listened for an hour
neither one really understands where the other's coming from
I believe I understand both
I try to sooth things over
I love them both so much
always the one to get an earful.
On to the newspaper
story of a mountain lion resting in a tree in a Gilroy back yard
cops decided the best thing was to shoot it.
Took three shots to kill the thing.
???
It was RESTING for crying out loud!
then flipped the page only to be presented with
a picture of the poor dead cat lying on the lawn
never had a fucking chance
I cried.
Something about that whole scene
a little microcosm of life
the inhumanity of humans
get the hell out of our way or we'll kill you
never mind we're the ones who took over his territory to begin with.
He was just resting in a goddam tree.
But I couldn't stop crying.
Something about his posture
lying there dead
and his innocence
I saw my little cat
lying dead on my bed
after the horror show with the vet
and the needle of death
another battle lost
over three years ago
feels like it was yesterday
Watching my beautiful family crumble around the edges
Dad's death bringing out the worst in us all.
Things I never thought would happen to us are happening
anger, resentment, mistrust
Where did these things come from?
one sibling has become the "bad guy"
one's the victim
one's the martyr
one's the peacekeeper (that's me)
my poor mom trying to carry on, confused
still seeing her husband in bed next to her
but no, its just the sheet
disturbed by it
night after night.
My brother channeling his grief into rage
lashing out at my sister
the easiest available target.
Another sister painting a hurtful picture
these cuts go deep, don't you know?
my mom lashing out at me
for "trying to control her life"
oh and I'm no angel
I yelled
said mean things which I immediately regretted.
sad
sad
sad
I love my family so very much
and I feel so blessed by them
and I miss my dad
and I just want this hurt to go away
and so I snuggle into his shirt
the one he was wearing when they took him to the hospital
one of his favorites
they cut it off him
I cried when I saw it
so I brought it home and sewed it
still has his scent
I bury my face in the thick soft wool and inhale my dad's essence
Driving to work, I piece together in my mind
the broken parts of my family
It'll all be alright, its just a bad time for us all.
My mind returns to the picture of that poor dead cougar
and the tears come again
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1 comment:
Oh, what a heart rending blog that was! The thing about taking your dad's shirt home and sewing it up was almost too much.
I understand what you're talking about with the family disentigration thing happening, and it being something you would have never thought could happen. I wrote something similar in my myspace blog the other week. Sorry to hear about all the heartbreak, I hope your family pulls together and stops the inward attack.
It's a shame about the big cat - why couldn't they have waited and used a tranquilizer? They were probably too afraid he'd get away first and hurt someone and then they'd get sued, as sue happy as we people have become... A real shame.
Take care,
Daniel W.
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