Happy Solstice

Late. I know.

I've been meaning/wanting/craving to write something for going on a month now, but having a hard time busting out of my non-communicative state. Nothings wrong, in fact lots of stuff running through my brain constantly - I mean, I regularly compose entire essays on the most interesting poignant subjects when I'm working in my garden, taking a shower, or driving to work for instance. But by the time I get settled down at the computer my mind totally blanks. Ever have that problem?

Bruce is gone for the weekend, I'm baching it as they say, which somehow sets me free in ways I can't quite explain. I love my husband dearly and do not EVER want to be without him. But there's something about being alone in the house for a stretch of time, of just being Sandy By Myself, that is a rare and coveted experience I must have gotten addicted to from living so many years alone. I've been married 21 yrs and I still crave that solitude. So anyway, here I am, bored to death (JUST KIDDING!!) actually feeling pretty good, cooked myself a nice little salmon fillet on my Geo. Foreman Grill, along with two small squash fresh out of my garden. A meal Bruce would hate. Well you can see, that's part of the problem. Hey, when I'm away he orders pizza, so there you go. Meanwhile, I luxuriate in a weekend of no TV. My music. Or.. no music at all. Quiet. Being able to sit and write, uninhibited. Read until the wee hours in bed with the light on. Or, fall sleep on the sofa. Funny, I feel a little like a kid who's parents are away. Except I don't want to party, I just want to be alone.

Had a doc appt this AM then had to go to the hosp. for an xray where they practically admitted me for christ sake! Totally shot the hell out of my morning, not to mention missed my yoga class which I was really looking forward to as I love the new Friday teacher. That's OK I did my asanas on my patio this afternoon, which is a much nicer setting anyway. Blew off the rest of the afternoon outdoors, listening to CDs on my little boom box (my Rythym Runs Through It mix, & some Church of course) & doing a little reading and a little stitching. OK I admit, I had a couple of beers and got nostalgic, missing my three best friends, my lovely Crones, all living so far apart now. Remembering the week we spent together here a year ago. Memories of us kayaking on the slough under that incredible full moon! Day trips to the Monterey Aquarium, and the ulikely favorite, Bamboo Giant... getting fake tattoos at the Boardwalk... hot tubbing at the Tea House... and all the wonderful meals! Picturing us sitting out on my patio late at night, wrapped up in quilts with our candles, talking about who first screwed who back in high school (or whenever) fantasizing about building a commune in Arizona - which I haven't ruled out, btw, miss Nola. And my dear Louise, I feel your presence whenever I'm sitting outside, the two of us hanging out for hours on end, doing nothing more than observing the birds and and the lizards, content to JUST BE. How I admire the total Zen-ness of your being. I burned the sage stick and of course Kris was there, with all her herbs and teas, and laughter like music. Birds chirping, wind chimes chiming, lizards lizzing, Van Morrison singing ...If I venture down the slip stream... between the viaducts of your dreams.... and i feel blessed like the richest king on earth.

Ahhh ... the heaven of this solitude, alone in my own little world. Currently spinning a disc I would normally not play when Bruce is home - Love Era by Peter Koppes. I love this CD. Fucking brilliant. Or, maybe its just brilliant fucking heheh...